Uncivilized

Edmund Vance Cooke

[A humorous comparison of apes and man - and its moral]

An ancient ape, once on a time Disliked exceedingly to climb And so he picked him out a tree And said "Now this belongs to me". I have a hunch that monks are mutts And I can make them gather nuts And bring the bulk of them to me By claiming title to this tree He took a green leaf and a reed And wrote himself a title - deed Proclaiming pompously and slow "All monkeys by these present know". Next morning when the monkeys came To gather nuts, he made his claim "All monkeys climbing on this tree Must bring their gathered nut to me, Cracking the same on equal shares; The meats are mine, the shells are theirs." "But by what right?" they cried, amazed, Thinking the ape was surely crazed. "By this", he answered, "if you'll read You'll find it is a title-deed, Made in precise and formal shape And sworn before a fellow ape, Exactly on the legal plan Used by that wondrous creature, man. In London, Tokyo, New York, Glengarry, Kalamazoo and Cork. Unless my deed is recognized, It proves you quite uncivilized." "But," said one monkey, "you'll agree It was not you who made this tree." "Nor," said the ape, serene and bland, "Does any owner make his land, Yet all of its hereditaments Are his and figure in his rents." Up spoke one sprightly monkey then: "Monkeys are monkeys, and men are men; The ape should try his legal capers On 'em who may respect his papers. We don't know deeds; we do know nuts. And spite of 'ifs' and 'ands' and 'buts' We know who gathers and un-meats 'em By monkey practice also eats 'em So tell the ape and all his flunkeys No man-tricks can be played on monkeys." Thus, apes still climb to get their food Since monkeys' minds are crass and crude, And monkeys, all so ill advised, Still eat their nuts, uncivilized.

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